What I Did for my Thanksgiving Weekend

I want to tell you about what happened today, but before I do, I need to tell you another story. I need to set it up for you.

When Jodi and I first got married, it only took us a few weeks to decide that we wanted to go off birth control and have kids as soon as the Lord would give them to us. We figured that would be pretty quick.

But it wasn’t. After a year or two of trying, we went in and had some infertility treatments, that didn’t really do anything more than flip Jodi’s hormones crazy. Years went by, and along the way we did some foster parenting, mostly later teenagers, but occasionally younger. But with no children of our own, we became more and more frustrated along the way.

We looked at adopting, but a lot of things made that not right for us to pursue at the time.

Eventually, we decided that we were simply not meant to have kids. But there was a sentence in my Patriarchal Blessing that referred to it, and did so in a way that implied that we would have biological children. It said that I would “sire children”. So, even when our faith sagged, I still clung to the hope of one day being a father.

Years went by. It became an accepted, unspoken rule that Jodi would stay home from church on Mother’s Day. I still went of Father’s Day. Partly because I felt like, with all the grief we got from delinquent teenage foster kids, I’d earned my wings, but mostly because, frankly, Father’s Day isn’t really that big a deal anyway.

Then, after two rounds of a frightening medication named Clomid, we got pregnant. We were ecstatic! After eight years, we were finally going to be parents.

Not so. Halfway through the pregnancy, it miscarried. We were devastated. At the time, I was working for a foundation, teaching music to kids in an elementary school. My supervisor made it clear that she expected me back in for work the following Monday. It was seriously tough for me to go back to work teaching other people’s children when I’d been denied that privilege of my own.

About a year later, there was another pregnancy and another miscarriage, this one much earlier.

Finally, another round of Clomid, and a third pregnancy happened. We were very careful this time. The OB/Gyn literally sewed Jodi's cervix shut. She was on full bed rest THE ENTIRE NINE MONTHS, if you can imagine that. But it worked. Ten years after making that initial decision to try for a child, we had our first son, Brendon.

A few years later, without any extra medication, Jacob was conceived and brought into the world, and anyone that follows this blog knows more about that than they’ll ever need to…

But I tell you that whole story to tell you this: Many years after coming to believe that I’d never be a father, I had the amazing privilege today of leading my boy Brendon into a warm baptismal font, saying the requisite prayer, and dipping him into the water. When I pulled him out and hugged him, I felt so incredibly grateful that I have him. This son that I thought I’d never have is now eight years old, and accepting the covenant of baptism.

Then, we all gathered around him, placed our hands on his head, and confirmed him a member of the church, and gave him the Gift of the Holy Ghost. My parents were in town (they live in Indiana), so I thought it would be special to ask my dad to confirm. It was a wonderful glowing moment, and one I will remember and treasure for a very very long time to come.

And that’s what I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving!


MRKH
Mark Hansen
http://markhansenmusic.com

Grace and Dolls

My wife and I went to see a couple of “Mormon Movies” (whatever that means) these last few weeks. I’ve wanted to comment on them here, but I’ve not been to sure what to say. I enjoyed them both very much, but they both hit me on such a personal level, I wasn’t sure how to “review them” for my blog.

I think I’ve decided to just talk about them personally.

The first one was “God’s Army II: States of Grace”. Man, what a show. It really engages you, makes you love the characters, and then takes you to hell and back. And I really mean that. It’s all about people who need God’s grace. Some, like the missionaries, and the itinerant preacher, are the characters that you feel should know what it is all along, but you see that even they are discovering it. You watch the world come out from under the lives of these people, to the point where only God’s grace, and their acceptance of it can make their lives better. That’s the hell. As you see them begin to welcome it into their lives, and back into their lives in some cases, that the “and back again” part.

This show really showed me how important the scripture “though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow…” (Isaiah 1:18)

There’s been a lot of controversy over this show. It’s not for the faint of heart. It shows people making some very grave mistakes (though it never becomes graphically violent nor sexual). It shows some of the suffering that those mistakes cause. It shows people beginning to repent from those mistakes.

One of the strongest moments of the movie comes when, after one character attempts suicide under the weight of his guilt, another tells him, “You shouldn’t have to die for your sins. Someone else already did that.”

So, even though at the end, I felt very hopeful, this is definitely NOT a “feelgood” movie.

The other one, “New York Doll” definitely IS a “feelgood” movie.

My wife went to this one begrudgingly, and I don’t think she really enjoyed it, since documentaries aren’t really her type of show. But I loved it. For those that haven’t heard, it tells the story of Arthur “Killer” Kane, the bass player for the New York Dolls, one of the early glam-rock bands that defined a moment in the early 70’s. Virtually every punk or edgy band since then (many of whom were interviewed in the show) commented how the Dolls had influenced them.

After the Dolls broke up, Arthur tried to form other bands, but was never that successful, and finally almost died an alcoholic. He called for a Book of Mormon off of a TV ad, and ended up joining the church. He was working at the family history library in LA, when a festival promoter called to have him perform in a reunion show.

He does the show, and it’s one of the high points of his humble, quiet life. The cool part is that he maintains his “mormon-ness” as he re-unites with his band-mates. His bishop, speaking of when Arthur had visited him, asking about the show, said, “I told him to do the show, and just be a good Latter-Day Saint, and everything would go fine.” And it did.

The ending of the documentary surprised me. I wasn’t ready for that. I won’t spoil it though. I will say that the whole movie showed me a great man whose humility and testimony shone through the whole experience. Here was a man with his priorities in order.

This movie hit me on a personal level because I’ve been struggling with my own musical “career” over the last few months. I’ve been wondering what sort of impact I’ve been having, or what the value of the music is. I’ve been frustrated that it doesn’t seem to be moving forward. This show reminded me to “be a good Latter-Day Saint, and everything will go fine.”


MRKH
Mark Hansen
http://markhansenmusic.com

An Open Letter to Larry H Miller

Mr. Miller,

A week or two ago, I saw “American Zion”, and I just came home from watching “States of Grace”. Not only did I enjoy them both very much, but I left the theater walking taller, with a spirit about me that strengthened my testimony of the Restored Gospel. “Grace”, in particular, left me crying like a baby, much the same way that “Brigham City” did.

It occurs to me that we are in a very interesting time in the “Mormon Cinema” movement. The initial fascination and novelty is wearing off, and people are beginning to be more and more discriminating in their judgments of the shows they’re seeing. As I read the discussion and debate in forums on the ‘net, and read the reviews of the various movies, I find that there’s a lot of diversity of opinions. This or that movie is great, but, no, it’s not worth your time and money… Bla, bla, bla, yadda, yadda.

To a certain extent, the discussion is good. If the scene wasn’t getting buzz, it wouldn’t be a scene, right? The fact that people are talking about it means that, for good or ill, it’s having an impact.

There is also much discussion about the business aspects of the movement. Many movies are made, but how many of them actually earn back their production and promotion costs? How many of them make money for their investors, like you?

I don’t know the answers to those questions. I don’t know how many of the LDS films you have bankrolled or contributed to. All I know is that you’ve helped on enough of them to have a big impact on the ongoing movement.

Often it’s the actors, or the directors that get the most attention. In a way that’s good and right, because it’s their artistic vision that’s being shared. But I also know that without people like you backing them up, that vision would never be shown.

So, I’d like to publicly thank you, Mr. Miller, for helping to present cinematic art that has touched my life and helped me to see how to become a better person. I also don’t know how many other people have felt like I do. Nor do I know how to quantify that in terms of dollars and return on investment.

All I know is that tonight, I sat with my wife and some good friends in a dark theater and discovered a deeper understanding about the power of the Atonement, and in a large part, I have you to thank for that.


MRKH
Mark Hansen
http://markhansenmusic.com